Q:  My husband and I always get together with my family for the holiday.  Every year, we eat either at my sister’s home or at our mom’s.  This year my husband and I want the Thanksgiving meal at our home.  When we asked my sister and mom the first question they asked was “will there be turkey?”  My husband and I are vegan and do not intend to serve turkey or any animal in our home.  When I told my mom and sister “No” they said they would not come.  What should I do?

 

Ahh, the holiday season begins again!  The time of year that we all envision a houseful of family, all smiling, all happy, and all in agreement, even though this doesn’t normally happen for any family at any time of the year.  We all yearn for the Norman Rockwell paintings of our own smiling family around the dinner table.  Anyone have a magic wand?

 

The first thing to do is to take a step back for a clear, unbiased view.  Depersonalize it.  Step outside of yourself and try to view your family and family dynamics from an objective view.  Have these family members (and you) always agreed on everything?  Probably not.  So to expect agreement over a proposed change related to an emotion-filled holiday is unrealistic.  Have these people generally been supportive of your being vegan (or merely tolerated it, if that)?  If the answer is “not supportive” or “merely tolerated”, then expecting them to be thrilled with the idea of a vegan Thanksgiving is setting you up for disappointment.  Are your family members willing to discuss changes in life or events?  (Many are not.)  If so try to discuss it.  If you do, be sure not to yell, shout, accuse, or attack.  No one was ever convinced of anything by being spoken to in that manner.  If you choose to not discuss it further, then you may simply want to state what you and your husband are going to do.  (See below for possibilities.)  You and your husband have created a new family and, as such, it’s normal for new (and different) family traditions to begin.

 

Remember that you are the person asking for a change in your family’s tradition.  You are saying that you and your husband want to host (1st change) and that you will serve vegan food (2nd change).  The person wanting a change is naturally the person that receives any unhappiness from those disagreeing with that change.  This is a normal dynamic (note that we did not say healthy), regardless of the change proposed.  If you were in the role within your family of issuing mandates and all others towed the line, this would not occur – but if you were in that role, you would not be writing your question.

 

You don’t mention things such as age of the various family members involved in this conversation, how long you and your husband have been married, how long you’ve been vegan, how traditional your family is, or what the family dynamics are on other issues.  These factors (and more) are all things that need to be considered in determining how to move forward.  It’s also important to consider what really matters to you.  Clearly, a vegan person does not want to sit at a table with a dead body on it.  And yet, many do all the time given the way that our coworkers, family and many friends eat.  And, I’m guessing that family harmony matters to you and you realize that this is not just about Thanksgiving.  What happens with this situation and how it happens may impact your family dynamics for years. 

 

Here are some ideas for you to consider.  Suggest to your family that this year, Thanksgiving is held at your mom’s or sister’s and then after that, a rotation to each of your homes begins.  Offering to still meet at one of their homes this year shows that you are trying to work out this situation and gives them a year to get used to the idea of a change.  With this very reasonable offer, hope for a reasonable response but also be prepared for an unreasonable response.

 

How about TWO Thanksgiving dinners this year?  After all, there’s plenty for which to be thankful, right?  Have one dinner at mom/sister’s home and one at yours.  One on Thanksgiving Day itself, one the next day, that weekend, the weekend before or after – there are lots of options.  If they are insistent on theirs being on the “real” day, then graciously agree.  When you host, do not rub it in their faces that there is no dead flesh on your table.  Be gracious, cook fabulous food, and let them be impressed!

 

Another option is Thanksgiving brunch at one home and a Thanksgiving dinner at another.  These could be on the same day or on different days. 

 

You and your husband might also decide to rotate – one year at your house, one year at theirs.  You can explain this quite simply – “We understand that it’s important to you to have turkey and we hope that you understand that it’s important to us to honor our values as well.  Because of that, we are going to compromise by spending alternating years with you and alternating years in our home serving a vegan meal.  We hope that you’ll choose to join us in the years that we host at our home.” 

 

Depending on the dynamics in your family, consider having your husband talk with your mom/sister, instead of you.  In my family of origin, the person who married into the family is always treated better and men are always treated better than women.  Is this right or fair?  Absolutely not!  But, it is reality and better results are always obtained when working with reality. 

 

Sadly, some people are so very bound into “tradition” (which only means continuing to do what they’ve done before), that they cannot fathom change.  For some, it’s more about control of other family members.  Whichever the case in your situation, remember that you are in charge of yourself and how you choose to act and react.  Take a deep breath, enter into all conversations on this topic with a clear head and a calm heart, and do not get hooked into an argument.  Do not argue your beliefs.  Calmly and simply say what you have to say.  Often, fewer words count for more.  Forget you are talking with family and pretend that you are the neutral party trying to negotiate a business deal – and stay calm.  Remember that what you are doing is honorable, and so speak in an honorable way.  Good luck and I hope you have a happy holiday!